ch-ch-ch-changes. yeah... that about sums up my world right about now.
i was at a wedding last weekend, and i'll be at one next weekend. yay for wedded bliss and all that. next weekend's wedding should be more enjoyable than last weekend's, as i'm anticipating more familiar faces... a lot more, since my small group alone will be more than i recognized at the first. not that i wish i hadn't gone--it was great to see jen and dan get married, since i spent much of college bringing jen up to the cities to visit dan. :) these aren't changes in my direct life, but i'm blessed to be a part, at least in this ceremonial way, of their love and commitment to each other.
then there's the friend who's due in four weeks, expecting a little girl. mom and henrietta (as she is so dubbed, unless of course she comes out an looks nothing like a henrietta mom says), will not lack love and attention from doting wannabe aunties and uncles. i'm honored to have been included in the circle from early on. it has been an interesting road being removed from the situation, yet to constantly be thinking about how they are doing. i'm so proud of my friend for all that she is accomplishing and for the tough decisions she has made. i don't know if i would be as strong in her shoes. i can't imagine being in her shoes.
i came across the first job opening that i might actually apply for today. a real job. i say that and it means something, but i don't know exactly what that is, or what it looks like. all i've ever known is school, how are "real jobs" different from that? and beyond the job, there's the moving, finding friends, creating space and familiarity in new territory. i want to be all brave and willing to go wherever my skills and a need meet, wherever God is calling me to for now... but i'm really terrified. clearly, everything will be just fine, the rest of my life certainly provides evidence of that, as do all the other success stories of people i know and don't know who are content with their jobs and lives, but i can't help but wonder... i always have to be wondering. and it always has to be the freaked out bad sort of wondering. i think once it gets closer, and once i've applied to a few jobs, i won't be as scared. then the decisions will be out of my hands and graduation will be around the corner and life will be full of excitement and hope for new discoveries.
mostly i'm just sad to see the community i've been enveloped in change and disappear. i finally feel like i ended up somewhere where i fit it. people get my jokes, they think about things just as much as i do, but in totally different ways, and they care. i think i'm the kind of person who isn't very good about showing and/or telling people on a regular basis that they're really cool, so when i do, i sort of go overboard and it gets overwhelming. i do too much on my own, so i don't let other people feel like i need them, when really i do. and i think i hold back a lot, even from myself, so in the past i haven't had many friendships that really lasted, though i really regret that. i don't know that i've been here long enough, or been real enough to build many relationships that will last for more than a few months after graduation. maybe its a good and healthy thing, to constantly flow in and out of community, i don't know yet. i'll have to think on that for a few more decades i think.
at any rate, sometimes i let the big c word (change) slip out of the box i've shoved it in, and it manages to get past all the barriers and dodge all the other stuff floating about in my brain and i have those moments of sheer panic and terror. fortunately, they're fleeting. fortunately, i know that God is watching out for me, has a plan for, and will never leave nor forsake me because He never changes. big praise for that!
